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take a memo
deanna b.
The white box is staring at me and I realize that I really don't miss doing this as much as I thought I would.

If I were still writing here, I'd write about that castle, Aragonese, off Ischia, where I'd like to live, with the unfinished church and the wild house-cats and the grape vines and the nuns' death toilets and the gelato cafe at the top.

I'd write about the witch doctor on Olive Street, the bruja, who cured my dog by helping to dislodge The Demon Ass Rope.

I'd write about my new love for baseball and how I understand ERA and GB now and how I'm still looking forward to a Dodgers game.

I'd write about my brother graduating Medical School and how I flew all the way to Tampa just for one day to see him walk.

But I'm not writing here anymore... because the moment for courage arrived a few months ago. I just neglected to talk about it here.

I needed a new direction to take. I needed to stop doing what was safe and easy. I needed to consider the fact that just because I wasn't private about my life for so long doesn't mean I have to continue to be an open book. I needed to consider that some people in my life ARE private.

It all came down to, "Why am I doing this?"

The answer is because it was therapy and I liked the attention. But when you don't need the attention anymore, it becomes exhausting.

There are a finite amount of books I have time to read before I die. And places I'll visit. And words I'll say or write.

So I considered starting a new website.

"What do you want your site to accomplish?" my closest confidante asked me back in February.

I tried to answer that question:

"I want it to be a think-tank for people like me who are searching for purpose. I want it to be a literary piazza of musings and essays from people who have managed to find glimpses in their everyday life of what we're supposed to be doing while we're here.

"I want it to be the answer for everyone leading lives of quiet desperation. I want it to be Paris in the 20's. I want it to be Concord, Massachusetts. No, even better, I want it to be Walden Pond.

"And then I want there to be a huge corner of the site dedicated to body image and how beauty has somehow come to mean just the way we look. I want to talk about the roles we have as women: an old-fashioned domestitician, a sex goddess, and a breadwinner. As importantly, I want to know what men think and how they see their roles.

"Oh, and I want another huge corner of essays about being alone or being part of a couple. I want people to write about never having children or resenting their children or trying desperately to conceive children. I want people to write about their travel experiences, whether it was a trip to Italy or a trip to a local swap meet.

"And philanthropy! I want essays about how important it is to find a cause, whatever cause speaks to you, and support it.

"And there'll be book reviews and movie reviews and website recommendations.

"In everything posted, by me and by others, I want to clearly see purpose.

"I want this website, my website, to be a home page for the thinking and feeling person."

But. There's always a but.

But the rub is that I can't figure out a way to do that and not expose raw bits of myself, or ignore pieces of my day, or censor out things that must be private.

Maybe I'll figure out how to do it. Maybe I won't. Until I figure it out though, know that I'm still writing. I'm ridiculously happy. I'm egregiously busy.

So this isn't The End.

Or goodbye, because no one likes goodbye.

It's until we meet again.

Stay tuned.

Current Location: LA, not Cannes

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